The Most Glorious (and true) tale of the clone Renee and the Parrot Greggo

So, my best friend Renee was very sad today. She wrote to our friend Gregory over G-chat and asked him to tell her things to make her day better. What follows is an improptu g-chat fairy tale of epic proportions. the "Me" is the author Greg and the "Renee" is, clearly, the intended audience member, Renee. This exchange was sent to me as it was being written. I was enthralled I'm sure you will be too... Intergalactic Dungeons, Wizard/Clone Babies, Fashion Design... This is the fable to end all fables.

I present to you: The Most Glorious (and True) tale of the Clone Renee and the Parrot Greggo

me: you want me to tell you some lies about yourself?
Renee: sure, make them funny lies
me: you are a clone; there are 5 more of you dispersed around the world.
Renee: wow I wonder where they are
me: it was decided seven centuries ago that the world would need 5 Renees to function by the year 2009
they're spread all over the globe.
One of the clones was disposed to evil
but the clones got mixed up and now nobody knows which one was the evil one.
but it was said the evil clone was behind Bush's reelection.
Oh, also, in 2010 there will be a grand masquerade ball and all the clones will be invited to attend.
the ball will be in space, and you will be picked up by a pumpkin-shaped coach.
Whitney Houston will appear and give each of the clones a matching ball gown, but each get a different color

Renee: ohhh
me: And after the ball the clones will be locked in a chamber with Harry Potter, where they will be required to mate with him to create a race of superhuman magician mixed race brilliant people.
Renee: I hope Harry potter wont mind
Sent at 1:25 PM on Wednesday
me: he'll get over it. But shortly after the fifth copulation the zombie spirit of lord Voldemort will come and kidnap the most beautiful clone
(you)
Renee: oh no!
me: because the evil clone will sell the secret location to VOldemort
Renee: bitch!
me: Then we reveal that the evil clone is the one in the red gown.
(you're in the green gown)
(naturally)
So Voldemort marries the red clone and they keep you locked in an intergalactic dungeon.
for 3 weeks.
and force you to watch reruns of the Brady Bunch in an effort to brain wash you.
But while in the dungeon you befriend the other imprisoned inmates.
A tranny named Maxi who used to choreograph for Beyonce.
A scarecrow named Scottie.
Renee: wow
me: A tap-dancing tin man named Nate.
And a pair of Japanese Siamese twins named Jon and Torie.
Renee: they all sound like homos
me: Well, that's why they're in the dungeon. Voldemort don't like no homos. Oh, also an adorable, wise-cracking green parrot named Greggo.
So you seduce the dungeon guard, who happens to look a LOT like your boss.
and when she lets her guard down, she drops the keys and Greggo flies and grabs them
Renee: that would be hard to do
me: you can do it.

Renee: good work greggo
I have to!
me: So greggo flies the keys and they get out of the dungeon, and they tie up the boss and mail her a package of poop.
and lock her in the dungeon
Sent at 1:32 PM on Wednesday
me: then they get into the castle above because they have to rescue the babies (because the clones had the babies in less than 24 hours, space time, and the perfect mixed race magician clone babies were locked up in Voldemorts nursery where he planned to wait until they were 3 weeks old before eating them)
(because that was then their magic would be ripe)
Renee: oh ok
me: So Voldemort's army descends upon them, but they fend them off as best they can.
Maxi and Nate do a dance that distracts them
The Siamese twins confuse them with trivia questions
Greggo and Scottie sing very loudly, which also confuses them
until the army is frightened away.
Renee: amazing
me: so you find the magic key that lets us into the room of magic.
but when we get inside the room it turns out to be a giant twister mat and we have to play twister to get across.
Renee: cool
difficult!
me: tell me about it!
So magically they cross the twister board, which is made more complicated by the addition of 67 colors and the use of every possible body part
Renee: and utensils
me: spoons, forks, you name it. but what Voldemort has underestimated is that this stouthearted group has been practicing twister for weeks down in the dungeon.
Renee: thats all we had!
me: So they manage to get across, all but Maxi the tranny, who sadly placed left foot on purple spoon instead of right foot on purple fork.
which cause the floor to swallow her up.
Renee: shame
me: but the rest get across, saying goodbye to him/her in spirit.
next they get to a room lined with thousands of glasses of wine
but they must resist temptation and not drink the wine
it's at this point that we lose the Siamese twins, as Torie can't control her craving for alcohol.
the enchanted alcohol turns both torie and john into a pillar of salt.
Renee: I told her to stop drinking
me: too little, too late.
Renee: fa sho
me: now they're both a pillar of salt in the enchanted wine room.
next they have to cross a river. By some miracle Nate the tin man is so fat they can all use him as a floatation device.
Renee: I hope he doesn’t rust
me: so they climb aboard the S.S. Nate and sail across the river.
You're getting ahead of yourself.
when they reach the other side of the river he's rusted and tells them through a series of squeaks to go on without him.Next they pass through a hallway of flames! And I'm not talking about homos.
Renee: oh no, not fire!
me: Greggo thinks he's strong enough to carry Scottie and Renee across
Renee: good luck
me: well, he can't hold on to both of them,
he's not that strong. so he has a Sophie’s choice moment and ends up dropping Scottie.
talk about a flamer. yeech.
Renee: oh and he's made of straw, he's a goner!
another one bites the dust!
me: Sadly, yes. So Greggo and Renee continue on into the hall of mirrors that you have to pass through to get into the nursery where the clone babies are kept.
But the hall of mirrors is all confusing and full of evil whispers that tempt Renee to break the glass
Renee: doesn’t sound like a good idea
me: but it's magic glass so if she breaks it SHE HERSELF will shatter like glass.
Renee: geez
me: right? So the millions of Renee looking people in tattered ball gowns make her go all kinds of crazy

Sent at 1:48 PM on Wednesday
me: (SRY, WORK)
okay, I'm back. where were we?

Sent at 1:51 PM on Wednesday

Renee: the millions of me are going crazy

me: oh yes. so you lunge at the mirror to break it
but greggo flies in the way to stop you
Renee: good, good
me: and he shoves you into the RUBY MIRROR!
and breaking the RUBY mirror summons the evil red clone, who appears in all her evil red glory.
She's envious of all your goodness and beauty
Renee: oh no!
I hate her
me: yeah. as well you should. she's all the evil inside of you that you never realized was there.
so she tears a bit of red silk off of her dress and makes it creep toward you like a snake
and it wraps you up and starts to turn your dress red, and you feel yourself turning evil!!
Renee: whoa
me: she wants you to join her and voldemort and populate the world with evil clone things.
!! But Greggo urges you to think of how good you are and you try and it fights off the red a bit
but the red looks like it's about to envelop the green of your pure dress
and Greggo reminds you of all your friends
like maxi...who was swallowed up by the twister mat
and Nate, who rusted
and torie and jon who turned into a pillar of salt
and Scottie, all aflame
and you realize you have to conquer the evil to save them!
Renee: I lov those guys
me: yeah, you LOVE them, and the love starts to win out...
and the red clone doesn't like that, so she blasts Greggo with her laser glasses
Renee: bitch!
me: and Greggo squawks one last time,
but just before he dies you shout out "No! I love you, Greggo!"
and the love transforms him into an incredibly trendy prince!
who also happens to be dressed all in green,
except for his bedazzled necklace, which he uses to magically call for help.
And as he calls for help the love in your heart makes the red spell blast off of you and it blows up the evil red clone once and for all!!
Renee: FANTASTIC
I knew I could do it
me: Naturally. So while they wait for Prince Gregorus's "help" to come for them, they burst into the nursery to save all the babies.
me: Then Voldemort comes and he brings the wish box with him, and tempts you with it. saying you can use the wish box to wish for ultimate power over all the whole world!!!!!!!
Renee: whoa, ill have to think about that one
me: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaand wishing on the wish box can make you the wife of President Obama!!!!!!
Renee: OMG what's the catch?!
me: The catch is THERE IS NO CATCH!!!!!!
Renee: AHHHHH
me: You become the New Mrs. Obama AND you rule the world!!!
Renee: can I rule the world for good and not evil?
me: YES YOU CAN!!!!!!!
Oh....but wait....there is one tiny thing.
Renee: geez, louise
me: Voldemort gets to eat the babies.
Renee: MY BABIES!!!
but when im married to barack I can make new babies
me: That's right. So he convinces you that the babies will be an after thought when you are the new mrs. O.
The handsome and trendy Prince Gregorius tells you to listen to your heart
but you tell him to shove it as Voldemort transforms himself into a false Obama, holding the box out for you and smiling the beguiling smile.
You rush forward and grab the wishing box.........
and
you
WISH
You wish
you wiiiish
you wish wish wish
Renee: fingers crossed and everything
me: NOT for supreme power and obamaness
oh no, you wish instead
that maxi, and torie and jon, and nate, and Scottie were all alive again!
Renee: MY FRIENDS!!!
me: YES! and the generosity of the wish makes Voldemort explode into a million pieces!!!!
(you see, he misunderestimated you)
Renee: HIT THE ROAD JACK!
lol
me: They all have a loving, tearful group hug!!! And Prince Gregarius' bedazzled necklace charm lights up, alerting him that the "help" he called for is near.
Renee: finally

me: And all of a sudden Aretha Franklin's HAT bursts through he ceiling!!!!!!!!!
Renee: OMG
me: and they each grab a baby and climb inside the hat
Renee: safety
me: yup.
Sent at 2:14 PM on Wednesday
me: and they all ride the magic Aretha hat to Happy Land, where they reunite with Harry Potter and the perfect clones slowly populate the world, encouraging others to be generous and selfless
and Nate and Scott get married.
and Torie and John drink themselves silly.
Renee: good
me: and Prince Gregarius gets a book deal to publish his memoirs.
And President Obama invites Renee to be his new wife
when Michelle up and moves to Nebraska.

the end

me: gotta get back to work
Renee: that was amazing
especially the part where I marry obama
me: oh hells yes!
That was kind of amazing.
I need to figure out how to email it to myself so we can keep it for evah!
Renee: copy the whole chat and paste it in an email
btw I was copying torie on all of it, and I think she wants to post it on a blog she knows about
me: oh lord.
it won't let me copy the whole thing
Renee: yea you have to do it in pieces
hit the pop out button so its bigger
me: Yeah. I like it bigger.

Ghost Mole

I forgot this existed until several moments ago. I was on facebook and I thought to myself, " I am on facebook too much, and I have too many important things to say that the 140 character long status messages cannot accommodate." Also, my friends are so pretty it hurts to look at them.

So I'm bringing this back to cyber-life.

Does one still use "cyber" when referencing all things intertubes? Probably not. Cyber is for robotics mostly, isn't it?

This post has nothing to do with music or arts. I'm neither musical nor artistic. I am, however, besotted with moles, one of which has gone missing. I did not lose it. It was removed during something called a "shave biopsy" today at the dermatologist. They injected it with lido cane, and then shaved it off with a straight blade. The remaining flesh was covered with a small circular band-aid that I have since removed.

I find myself touching the vacant (and increasingly tender. ouch. ) spot on my chin that the mole once occupied, and it is startling to find nothing there. Don't people who lose limbs say they some times still feel them; "ghost limb" or "phantom limb" is, I think, the appropriate term. I have a ghost mole.

I used to despise it. I once stuck a column of scotch tape down the center of my face and drew a line of symmetry to identify which side of my chin the mole was on because I could never figure it out and it drove me crazy. It is (was) just to the right. Many people, who it strikes me now were probably a bit dense, thought I had food or dirt stuck on my face. People who had known me for years. I came to dislike them instead, and I grew defensive of the mole, protective even. Eventually, I became proud of it. I saw it as a symbol of overcoming aesthetic adversity. I liked it. My mom called it my "cindy mole." My deprecating friends and I called it "cancy." I think we may have been awful people then.

So, it's mostly gone now and I am disappointed. I feel like I might suddenly be a different person. The Doctor cannot tell if she will need to remove it at the root or not. That depends on the results of the biopsy. If the results are normal, the mole may or may not grow back. I hope it does.


LIST OF OCCURENCES WHILE POSTING:

1.) I spelled "biopsy" "bopsy" twice while typing. I prefer the word "bopsy;" a pleasant alternative spelling for a word that connotes pathology.

2.) My boss Cathy received a fancy new thermos that came with a warning to not put carbonated liquids in it. "May cause top to forcefully eject" it said. Hehehe.

ICU

as you can tell, RSL is on some serious life support right now. that is, we're breathing, but we aren't exactly belting out queen.

when lives and jobs stop being so lame, expect a big jump in activity. or, as lives and jobs (especially jobs) have a tendency to stay pretty lame in general, maybe we'll just pull our shit together and get this thing moving again.

look forward to the future of RSL, which will be marked with either
1) nothing
2) a spectacular leap in self-motivation and many more posts.

hope for the latter.

it lives!

Robot Says Love is not dead. It is in a state of partially suspended animation due to the fact that the holiday season is unreasonably stressful, and the prefix/suffix recordo-puter is currently experiencing a severe case of old-and-somewhat-useless.

look out for music and pictures once st. nick is done with his annual gift-ness clusterfuck.

hand turkeys part deux...

Here, for your viewing pleasure: the second installment in our hand turkey extravaganza. Thanks to Matt.

robot says love hand turkey thanksgiving project...

This is the dawn of the Robot Says Love Hand Turkey Thanksgiving Project. More to come.

warts and all...

Hello there loyal Robot Says Love fans! I know there are droves of you sitting, waiting, yearning, for updates. So here's one for you.

To prove that we here at RSL are committed to putting our creations out there, I'm going to go ahead and post a link to the myspace page of an older, somewhat unformed, somewhat embarrassing musical project.

It's called The Friendly Fire, but really it's just 'lil ol' me. Recorded using the built in microphone on my computer and GarageBand. These are quick versions, with some questionable lyrics, some musical missteps, etc.

BUT it's something to get us all started. Hopefully you like.

http://www.myspace.com/godlovesthefriendlyfire

And here we are...

This being the first post, let's start with the basics.

Robot Says Love is a music and arts collective based in beautiful Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY. We're committed to creating an environment in which musicians, artists, writers, and any other creative groups and individuals can put their work into the ether and have it be seen and heard . This is pretty basic stuff.

We're also committed to commandeering the old Pfizer building on Flushing Avenue and turning it into a communal art space. This is less basic. It will happen later.

We'll be posting (hopefully) regularly with new writing, art, songs, what have you. Robot Says Love is just a baby now, but we're set on growing until horrific toddlerdom, at the very least. Be on the lookout, and join if you are so inclined.


---Robot Says Love